For the majority of fans in the Premier League the season is over. Their teams are out of contention for the title, short of a tilt at Europe and safe from the threat of relegation. Their chants and jeers are largely redundant - save for some end of season frivolity.

So it is time to focus on the flip side of football support - taking pleasure in the suffering of rivals. Watching the seesawing drama of the final days from a safely detached perspective, and savouring the angst and neuroses of opponents, can be thrilling (whether it is blowing the title or succumbing to relegation).

It is an entirely legitimate and hugely rewarding pastime. Any uncomfortable feelings that they are slightly sadistic thoughts can be countered by the knowledge that the outcomes really don’t matter as much as the managers, players and supports protest. It is like being a neutral at a penalty shoot-out. The narratives and drama are clear and compelling.

And in those terms MANCHESTER UNITED 5 TOTTENHAM 2 was a great end of season game for all those fans with little watch for and requiring an outlet for their passion.

First there was the incredulity etched on Sir Alex Ferguson’s face as Tottenham raced into a 2-0 lead and United’s title credentials were again in question.

Then there were the remonstrations of Harry Redknapp at Howard Webb’s penalty award and Cristiano Ronaldo’s finish from the spot. An end-of-season thriller is not complete without a refereeing blunder that stirs up anger and embarrassment in equal measure.

United, and Rooney in particular, scented blood and played some inspiring and pulse-elevating stuff as Tottenham capitulated in fine comedic fashion.

The narrative was set and farce ensued. Comedic defending not seen since Djimi Traore’s own goal for Liverpool in a Carling Cup match, followed as Tottenham relinquished their lead with abandon.

There were goalkeeping errors, centre-back sins and general inadequacies to cheer any bored football fan. It was all topped off by further remonstrations and innuendo from Redknapp about the injustices of the Premier League.

There was less delight in the 2-0 defeat of Middlesbrough by Arsenal. May be that is because Middlesbrough are harder to hate than most.

But having said that, any football fan seeking some light entertainment on Monday night, should watch Newcastle v Portsmouth. There is plenty of joy to be had with Newcastle. With an inflated owner, jail-bird midfielder, ‘carry-on’ defending, mop-haired centre-backs, belief in Messiahs, and the conviction that they are the ‘chosen people’ - Is there a team with greater delusions of grandeur? Is there a team more ripe for ridicule?

Rafa or Fergie - Who is winning the mindless ‘mind games’?

So Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson and Liverpool manager Rafael Benitez have buried the hatchet – squarely between the shoulder blades in each other’s backs.

Psychological warfare, ‘mind games’, propaganda or just plain banter they are all in full flow as the season nears its conclusion.

THE DOSSIER

The propaganda machines at Anfield and Old Trafford cranked into life at the turn of the year. The press - the Don King promoter figure in it all - were summoned to Anfield where Benitez, in front of an anticipant audience, unveiled THE secret dossier on the injustices of recent times, the tyranny that Old Trafford holds over the regulating FA and the need to fight back against these heinous crimes. In translation it read: Man U are so mean, it is all unfair and by the way Ferguson is a little shite.

(Liverpool attempted to rock United and reassert their place at the top of the Premier League….)

THE RESPONSE

Ferguson laughed it off – how could he, an amiable OAP with a new-found lust for life, be capable of such things? The pressure is getting to Benitez and he is going mad, Ferguson intimated. The dossier was a sham, it had been ‘sexed up’ and it was all a conspiracy to unite the football community behind an out-and-out war on Old Trafford.

(Ferguson turns the emphasis back on Benitez, attempts to belittle him and his team and invokes the infamous ‘siege mentality’)

It is all too much for the delicate minds of the Liverpool players. They join Robbie Keane as basket-cases and go on a shocking run of results.

THE PEACE

A hiatus lasts for much of February and March as Liverpool’s title challenge falters. But fighting on five fronts, United take their eye off the ball – several times in Nemanja Vidic’s case – as United lose to Liverpool at Old Trafford and they let their rivals back into the race. Complacency appears to be entrenched in the United psyche as they follow defeat with defeat, this time against Fulham.

(Had Benitez been playing the long game, lulling them into a false security and confidence – could he claim a PSYCOLOGICAL VICTORY?)

Well the race was getting tighter and nerves were being stretched beyond their elastic limit.

FERGIE’S ATTACK

As Liverpool close the gap, Ferguson goes offensive. This time the fearleass Glaswegian bares his teeth, prepares for war and launches a ruthless attack on his rivals (manly staring down Rafa through a camera lens whilst hiding behind Sam Al(LARD)yce). Ferguson dismissed Benitez as arrogant - aka ‘Me, the great Alex Ferguson would not do such a thing’ - and says his sideline actions were ‘beyond contempt’ - aka ‘I like mind game as much as the next person but that was going too far’.

(Triumph - ‘Ferguson is scared’ or Ferguson attempts to unite teams against Benitez to ensure they ahve tough end of season games as well as riling the Spaniard and taking his eye-off game against Arsenal. He also proves he has way more friends than Benitez - he so has. Meanwhile, Benitez marvels at his sophistiction by introducing sign language to the war of words.)

RAFA’S RESPONSE

Benitez unleashes scouse attack dog Sammy Lee (probably a Terrier) to refute Ferguson’s “arrogant” calims (it is a job only worthy of a minnion and not the great Rafa Benitez). Besides Benitez has “business meetings” to attend, insists Lee before baring a note signed by a Mrs E Benitez.
Lee gives a stirring defence of his master. ‘Are you starting on my boss?’, ‘Mr Benitez, the all-conquering King of Anfield and all of Liverpool - as we affectionately call him - is certainly not arrogant’.

( Liverpool attempt to show it is Ferguson who is the deranged fantacist in this league. And wait, could Benitez be about to invoke the dreaded seige mentality?)

Meanwhile, Arsene Wenger watches on longingly. He can remember the times when he was on the end of Ferguson’s vile rants and innuendo. Where had those heady Spring days gone? How their special relationship has disappeared? Now Fergie only has eyes for Rafa.

As for Guus Hiddink, he is reassuringly Dutch about it all as he refuses to get involved in any confrontations.

Alas, Liverpool draw with Arsenal and the verbal jousting and mind controlling techniques are set to be shelved for the summer.

For all the bravado these are sensitive souls. And for all the hyper-babble it seems the poor, single brain-celled players are the biggest victims in this all. For pity sake, think of little Nemanja Vidic and Stevie G!

The Insider - Bullard faces up to Hull future

Hull City star Jimmy Bullard insists he will not walk out on the club if they are relegated from the Premier League.

The future of the club-record £5million signing has come under scrutiny with Hull in danger of being relegated from the topflight.

But Bullard admits he is going nowhere.

“I have a serious knee injury,” he said. “There is no chance of me walkig out of here. Believe me I have tried. I even tried crawling but Phil Brown caught up with me on the A64 and dragged me back to the KC stadium.

“I can hardly get out of bed in the morning. Have you seen Hull on a map? To the North is Scarbrough, to the South is Grimsby and to the East is Leeds - what kind of incentives are for a man with a serious knee injury? I cant risk that, I have a serious knee injury.

“I thought about taking a lylo to the North Sea but I could end up in Denmark or even drift down to Norwich. They are no places for former England squad member.

“No, I am not taking my chances with that, not with a serious knee injury."






* The contents of this post is entirely fictious.

The final word on the weekend - Goalkeepers falter in months of truth.

We have entered the months of truth. April and May are the most important months in English football. For all the posturing, for all the positioning and for all the points in the preceding games, the entire season comes down to these two months of truth. Relegations, promotions, finals and trophies are all decided here.

The pressure on teams is intense but the pressure on individuals is greater. And no more so than the goalkeepers. On Saturday, young Arsenal goalkeeper Lukasz Fabianski failed to keep his head in the swelter atmosphere of Wembley and an FA Cup semi final against Chelsea. The talented keeper lost his cool on countless occasions and was at fault for both of Chelsea’s goals from Florent Malouda and Didier Drogba.

Earlier in the week, Liverpool’s Pepe Reina and Chelsea’s Petr Cech both endured shockers in the Champions League quarterfinal. Two world-class keepers of proven ability and mind, wilted under the lights of the Champions League showdown. Their reputations dented, but not beyond repair thanks to the sharp shooting of their teammates.

The problem for goalkeepers is they exist in a constant state of negative equity. They are expected to make saves, they are obliged to make saves, and they must make saves. Any error can cost dear and is scrutinised without sympathy. The perception is goalkeepers lose games, strikers win games.

Their one salvation comes in the penalty shoot-outs. Here the roles are reversed. The onus reverts to the ball striker. The goalkeeper is suddenly in the privileged position where all responsibility is absolved. Make the save and they are the heroes don’t make the save and there are no recriminations or slander.

But to reach these moments of role reversal and are justice, they must negotiate a perilous path.

You're fired - Southgate takes on Sugar...

In a generic boardroom on the 552nd floor of an undisclosed skyscraper somewhere in central London, Middlesbrough manager Gareth Southgate takes a seat and awaits his fate and Sir Alan Sugar.

Sir Alan Sugar: Good afternoon Mr Southgate. Take a seat.

Gareth Southgate: Yes, Sir Alan. Thank you Sir Alan.

SAS: Right, lets cut the post-match interview crap. I don’t want to hear about ‘the next game’, ‘must-wins’, ‘battling to the end’, ‘strong spirits’ or whatever else you fob off those parrot journalists with. You all know why you are here. You’re failing Gareth. You’re failing spectacularly.

GS: Yes Sir Alan. I’m so sorry Sir Alan. I…

SAS: Gareth, I have a problem here. I like you. You’re a decent bloke. You’re popular with the players and the pundits. You’re loyal, you’re honest, you’re young and you’re keen to learn. Wonderful! Ain’t that all lovely, ain’t that all sweet. May be after this we can have a kick about in the park, you can bring along the Neville brothers, we can play penalties - ay - and we’ll all eat ice cream?

GS: Yeah. Although, Gary might be having his hair styled again and Phil is probably redecorating his house.

SAS: Gareth, I don’t eat ice cream you prick! And the Neville brothers are no more entertaining than the Chuckle brothers. Yes, you’re young but I don’t want potential. I want results…and NOW!

GS: Yes Sir Alan. I am so, so sorry. If you give me another chance, I will do better. But I am only young and I will improve and I… I…

SAS: Yeah ok Southgate stop sniveling…. Oh don’t cry Southgate…. Will someone give him a tissue, its like bleeding Euro 96 all over again in here.

SG: Thanks Margret. (brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh) (brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh).

SAS: Bleeding hell Southgate. That nose of yours is louder than the QE2. Hang on, is that a bogey on my Armani suit? If only your strikers displayed such power and potency from five yards. No the reason you’re in here is because you’ve made some piss poor acquisitions. You’ve bought badly. You’ve invested in sub-prime stock and we can all see the consequences.
Alfonso Alves – what was tat about? The quality is just no there. You’ve recruited badly – and you have to take responsibility for that.

GS: But..

SAS: No. You’re done talking. I haven’t been able to get a word in at all. Now let’s get down to the numbers. The bottom line. You’re team is the red. You’re two points from safety with six games to go. It is not looking good is it? You’ve got tough games to come and scored just 25 goals this season – the worst of all your competitors. I don’t like your chances.

GS: Yes Sir Alan.

SAS: That is why, with regret, I have to say Southgate you’re fired. Go on piss off. Go make a pizza advert. That nose of yours could with being housed in a brown paper bag for the good of all those Armani suits out there.



* The contents of this post is entirely fictious and composed by a man with an unstable personality and a hour to kill before Neighbours starts.

Final word on the weekend - Torres and Macheda take charge.

It is at this stage of the season when the value of individuals becomes tangible. With six games left – seven for Manchester United – and the Premier League title increasingly at stake, tension and neuroses can rule the day and wreak havoc on the hopes of players, coaches and fans.

In such circumstances it is difficult for a team to function to its maximum, for each element to reproduce its best. And so the emphasis often switches to those individuals capable of match and season defining interventions.

In the early Premier League kick off on Saturday, Fernando Torres scored a majestic double to maintain Liverpool’s distant hopes of a first league title in 19 years. They went on to beat Blackburn 4-0, but it was the Spanish striker’s exquisite improvisation and finishing that did for their opponents. The two late goals merely garnish.

In the late kick off, Manchester United needed to respond. And 15 minutes from lights out, lightning struck for the second time this week. Federico Macheda deflected Michael Carrick’s into the Sunderland net and Manchester United resumed their advantage in the title race. Head to head comparisons between Torres and Macheda would be wrong. One is the most complete striker in the world; the other is a rookie with unknown potential. But both have made crucial interventions in recent weeks and who would bet against them doing it again?

However, for all Torres’ unyielding quality, United remain favourites for the title. With their only other world-class attacking player, Steven Gerrard, struggling with injury, Liverpool will be over-reliant on Torres while United can look to Wayne Rooney, Cristiano Ronaldo, Dimitar Berbatov, Carlos Tevez and Ryan Giggs. Untied are not just favourites because of their numerical advantage, it is because at this stage of the season it is often the individuals that make the difference.

The Insider: FA launch referee protection scheme

Following the recent spate of coin throwing attacks at football grounds around the country, the FA have announced that referees will be issued with crash helmets for the remainder of the season.

Directives from the FA will require all Premier League officials to wear the protective head gear at all times from entering the vicinity of the stadium to departing.

It is hoped that this new £10 billion initiative could prevent numerous bumps and cuts as a the helmets protect referees from incoming objects and thus preserve their irreproachable decision making ability as well as enhancing their on-field authority.

The FA fear that the economic meltdown and depreciation in the Pound could lead to an avalanche of monetary missiles coming from the crowd as fans opt to hurl money rather than valuable werthers originals.

They stressed the problem is particularly acute as many of their referees are severely folically challenged.

Not only is this depriving them of an invaluable 'cushioning' layer but it is also thought to goad fans into targeting their gleaming white domes - especially with the increasing amount of reflected sunshine during the spring months.

The helmets have been extensively tested at McLaren's secret headquaters with positive results.

Tests involved a number of topflight refeeres, including Mike Riley and Dermot Gallagher, being fired from a cannon through a wind tunnel and into a reinforced concrete wall as reserachers attempted to assertain aerodynamics of the equipment.

The FA were pleased with it's performance and believe the referees will retain their express straight-line speed.

One spokesman, in a thick Glaswegian accent described the tests as "deeply satisfying".

But the Scot, chewing gum with all the elegance of an industrial washing machine, added he would not rest until 100s of referees had been catapulted into walls in order to assertain the true efficacy of the equipment".

Officials will also be given the option of wearing helmets fitted with visors to protect them from players expressing their views with a wet palette and enthusiastic pronounciation.

Though the wind-screen wiping system requires further tests.

The designers have other complications to resolve as the helmet currently block out a noise and allow a limited field of vision but officials are unconcerned about such trivialities.

The FA are considering further requests of quad bikes and stun guns, while controversial referee Stuart Attwell has demanded arm bands and long trousers for the winter season.



*Please note the content of this blog is entire fiction.

The final word on the weekend - Macheda' magic and Shearer's troubles

On Saturday night, as he waited for sleep to come, a little-known 17-year-old will have run through all the possibilities of the next 24 hours. He will have thought of playing football, scoring spectacular goals and hearing his name praised by tens of thousands of people. He will have carefully constructed the most fanciful of scenarios and dreamt up the most extravagant details in his mind. And then with a smile, dismissed it all.

If sleep ever came to Federico Machedo on Sunday night, it will have been brief. The young Italian, without a name in football, scored a wondrous injury-time winner against Aston Villa in front of an Old Trafford crowd of 75,409, ensuring Manchester United retained pole position for the Premier League title with what could be the most decisive moment.

Where his career goes from here is anybody’s guess. His late, late shot at glory was preceded by some heavy touches and muddled thinking, but he has attributes of great strength, form in the reserves and so much time. In years to come his debut heroics could be looked back upon as an extraordinary peak to a career drowned out by unenviable expectation or the first evidence of a precocious talent. Either way for now Machedo will just be thinking of the next 24 hours.

Elsewhere in the Premier League, it took 56 minutes for Alan Shearer’s halo to slip as Newcastle lost to Chelsea. Such has been the clamour from fans for Shearer return as manager to his former club, when owner Mike Ashley and the man himself finally relented to the fans’ wishes last week, the appointment smacked of a long-term union. Despite Shearer’s repetitive assertions that it was an arrangement of eight games only, the talk was of next season. But defeat to Chelsea will have reinforced to the fans, pundits, players and staff the precariousness of the club’s position and severity of the moment. This was an attempted bail out in the most desperate of situations. Seven games and counting…